Empathy--Either you have it...or your a(n) (insert choice word here)

Empathy -is the capacity to recognize emotions that are being experienced by another sentient or fictional being. One may need to have a certain amount of empathy before being able to experience compassion.

I did it! I went back to the office.  And there are all sorts of emotions surrounding this ordeal.  I know I have been fortunate to have had a company give me the option of working from home for the past 2 years, as some people don't have that opportunity, but it doesn't make going back any easier.  Let's talk about this.

Thursday: I went to my old location since I am being moved to a new position.  I thought this would be great! a perfect way to step into old familiar faces and grab my belongings.  I was wrong....wrong wrong wrong.  So I go in and get to see my favorite face, our security guard. Oh how I love her so.  She is so nice and kind and always asks about Lucy.  Then I see some familiar faces down the hallway, so I go down to say hello.  One person out of 3 said hello and gave me a big hug.  The other slammed her door when I walked over there.  That was nice.  Nice touch.  That's ok, we didn't get along very well anyhow when I worked there for 4 years.  And since she hasn't asked me once how Lucy has been since diagnosis, it was of no consequence, just a bad reminder is all.  So after I chit chatted with one of the ladies, I went to get my stuff and start sorting. I had 6 boxes! Why in the hell I had 6 boxes is beyond me.  That is when the emotions kicked in hard.  I opened the first box and you know what it was filled with?  Pictures....Pictures of our life before...before cancer.  My heart started racing and my brain immediately took me back to day 1 of diagnosis.  I started sweating and getting nauseous.  woo...I had to take a break!  So I went to the bathroom before trying to open up the other boxes.  Mostly it looked as if somebody just took their hand and swooped all my belonging into a box, and even some things that weren't mine. There were broken mugs and even some things I had no clue what they were, but they were in my boxes.  So that was an easy box...trash.  I then went to open another, and I'll be damned.  More pictures.  This time, they were of Lucy at her birthday.  She probably had cancer then, and we didn't know it.  And then sitting at the bottom of the box was one lonely Christmas present.  A gift I had bought at the company store for fun that I had forgotten to take home the day before.  That pretty much did me in.  I left, dry heaved in the parking lot, and came straight home.  I made it 2 hours.  2 hours before I started bawling and was a complete mess.  It was such an unhappy place to be.  I wasn't all that happy working there before Lucy's diagnosis, so it was even harder to go back now.  I am happy that I am starting fresh at a new location with new co-workers (some old ones too). I really hope I never have to go back to that place again.  I didn't realize how unhappy I was until I took a step back.  Plus the memory of Lucy and our life BC (before cancer) is wrapped up in that building. Lucy was not even a year old when I started there.  

Friday:  I get ready for work and am running late. I 'm always late. Only it wasn't because I was unprepared which is the norm. It was because I had a panic attack that was so horrible, I couldn't even see straight.  The dizziness was a nice touch.  After downing my happy pills, I jumped in the shower, and I actually put on make up.  That's nice.  And different.  While I love my pajamas, its nice to get up and take a shower every day!! I was lucky to take one once a week before.  Not saying that I don't change into them the second I get off work, but for a few hours to wear makeup and smell good is a nice change.  I made it to work by 9:30 on Friday. I had hoped to make it there by 8:30, so an hour late wasn't horrible.  And my actual "report back to the office" date wasn't until Monday anyhow, so this was just a way to help me acclimate around people.  I think what I fear the most is that I have lost my filter and patience for people.  I no longer see insignificant things as important, and I no longer mind telling people about it.  That isn't a good quality when you work in a corporate environment.  So far, so good. I did share this fear with my new manager, he assured me I would be just fine.  I hope he's right.  So I spent 4 hours at work on Friday.  It was weird.  Mostly I was unpacking my boxes, getting to know my location, and had a meeting with some co-workers.  

I have to say it was so nice to come home that Friday night and know that I wouldn't have to get on my laptop and do any work.  I haven't been able to say that for 2 years.  That is a total bonus to working in the office, and not being in a management position any longer.  You truly work in the office, then you come home.  And home is home.  It hasn't been that way for me for the last 5 years.  

Monday-- I did MUCH better!! I was actually at work by 9 and stayed until 5.  A full day!  And it was so quiet.  No screaming kids, no laundry or food to make.  Just work.  Well, I didn't do such a great job with sitting in my cube and just working.  I think I am going to have to buy some headphones.  I need noise!  But I will admit, taking care of me, and just me, was really nice.  And I don't just mean that in the sense of home and taking care of kids, dogs, husband, etc, I mean that also in terms of management.  I didn't have people coming into my office to tattle on each other, I didn't have to put out fires, and I didn't have drama of people stepping on one another to climb the corporate ladder, like I was once accustom to.  I don't know why I hadn't left management a long time ago!! I got so wrapped up in my expectations of what I thought it would look like and what mark I thought I would leave, I didn't see how stressed out I was.  

Today-- Today I was there at 8:30!! woo hoo!! No nausea, no vomiting.  I was a little excited to hang up my new pictures. I was a little excited to sit in quiet and drink my coffee!  Just a little!! Today was a regular day.  I got a lot more work done than yesterday.  I'm falling into routine, but I have to say, my butt hurts.  I am not used to sitting in a chair all day.  I will have to get up and walk around to remedy that.  I even actually ate lunch at my desk.  And again...it was quiet.  I can't get over the quiet....its unnerving.  I forgot my ear buds again.  I have to remember those!! As soon as 5 rolled around, I was ready to go home. And home is another story.  Its that rushed feeling again, and I have to make sure we don't do that and get in that life style.  But when we are both at work, home is so busy in the evening. I only get a couple hours with my kids :(  and those hours are filled with dinner, baths, homework.  I miss not seeing my kids get off the bus.  There are pros/cons to this situation.  I'm trying to stick with the pros of the all around situation, but its not easy.    

Zach on the other hand isn't having a good acclimation back to work.  He has a new manager who seems to be really angry about the agreement we have been given to work from home.  I am not sure why.  You would think he would be on board and know if he was in the situation, he's working for an organization who would have his back.  Nope....apparently he lost his empathy a long time ago or never had any to begin with. And that's sad.  Zach is supposed to be able to work from home and the office and be flexible based on Lucy's needs.  Somehow and somewhere along the line, that seemed to make somebody angry.  That somebody probably doesn't have a kid with cancer.  Probably never had anybody close to them ill or had to take care of somebody they love and watch them go through pain and agony.  Empathy can't be learned, it has to be experienced.  Poor Zach ended up with a person that lacks that.  

When Lucy got sick, we were offered a work agreement. We didn't ask for it, it was graciously given to us.  Unfortunately, I don't think some people understood this or it wasn't communicated to them, and due to this we have been "banished" by some former co-workers.  Whatever.  They haven't experienced what we have, so I don't expect them to "get" it.  Anyhow, now that we are going back, our management has changed.  And for some reason, Zach's manager doesn't like the agreement.  Zach asked him why it made him so angry.  He just told Zach that he hoped he knew this wasn't going to last forever, and asked him what he had been doing for the past 2 years to plan for this return to work part time.   BWAHAHAHAHAHA  Seriously?? obviously he doesn't read my blog.  What have we been doing???? And YES! we hope this shit doesn't last forever.  And how dare he even say that.  We would wish and give anything to go back to where we were before even though it was a shit hole place to be if it meant Lucy didn't have cancer or have to go through treatments. We would gladly give back this agreement they gave us if it meant I didn't have to talk to my 5 year old son about how his sister might die.  I would gladly go back and work with that horrible co-worker if it meant I was not introduced to at least a dozen children who have died.  Actually, I wouldn't do that last one. I met some very special and wonderful angels and families.  And while I wish I didn't have to watch them die, their life, while short, was full of meaning and love. And I am aware now.  Aware of something that I refused to look at before.  And I really hope that this person understands that Lucy will NOT have cancer for her entire life.  And that we won't be in treatment for very much longer. And that we won't need such an arrangement that was OFFERED to us.  Its 3 years out of our lives.  A long 3 years- yes, but put that into perspective of a career.  Its short.  It's 3 years out of 30.  Why does somebody have to be so hurtful and hateful because we have a child we care for and get to work from home part time.  Why does that affect him?  And what about when treatment is over? Why would somebody want to basically say they are looking for ways to fire someone and take the livelihood away from a family who is already struggling as it is.  That's just cold hearted and mean.  Why does that give anybody satisfaction? Or why is that even a mission?  And to say its because its a business and work needs to get done is BS.  There are more people that work from home full time just because and in the same work capacity as Zach.  Matter of fact, they are starting a new pilot right now! We have technology on our side and can work more efficiently and effectively from wherever we plug in.  I guess I don't see the need to press the issue about this work from home thing, then again, I am biased, and do not lack empathy.

So...while going back to work for me has had its share of good/bad. Zach got the short end of the stick. 

Just in case anybody forgot : 

Empathy is the capacity to recognize emotions that are being experienced by another sentient or fictional being. One may need to have a certain amount of empathy before being able to experience compassion.