Because we didn't have enough on our plate?

The past two weeks have really been a blur since I went back to work.  It seems as if we have no time for anything anymore. I get up, get ready, get Jack on the bus, go to work, come home, make dinner, get kids in the bath, and then its bedtime.  Oh, I remember this pattern.  It was one we had prior to diagnosis.  While its good to be back to semi "normal", I remember now the misery that encompassed our lives as well prior to diagnosis.  Of course things weren't quite as horrible as cancer, right? So we would take that back any day. But now, we have our new cancer life and our old routine life.  Not a good mix.  I never realized how much working from home was so helpful in regards to our mental well being as well as time.  Time is so precious to us, and I feel like we are being rushed again, and that saddens me.  Trying to find that balance again has been hard.  So, I wonder if that pent up stress along with some issues Lucy is having is what ultimately caused our tragic event this week.
Lucy and I went to clinic on Wednesday like normal.  She was sick the night before throwing up, but had no fever, so I guessed her liver enzymes were too high.  This happens when her liver has a hard time filtering the chemo and needs a break.  She had also had the worst dex pulse ever with tons of pain. So bad, I had to go get her morhpine.  We haven't had to have that since our first week of diagnosis.  When we got to clinic, I told them she threw up the night before, and I was pretty sure it was due to her liver, but maybe isolation would be good for us just in case.  So, as the blood results came back, I was right.  Her AST/ALT were elevated pretty high. Higher than its been since august of 2011.  Funny how mama's intuition still works, sometimes I wish it didn't.  So we decided to do a chemo hold and give her liver a break and do a count recheck today.  The doc also said that she could be coming down with a virus and that was adding to the enzyme level.  The liver is just mad at us. So we left clinic and decided to grab Zach's birthday cake on the way home.  He turned 31 on Wednesday!
We were approximately, 1 mile from home when I rear ended a car.  And not just a small bump either. :(  I hit that car with so much force that the air bags went off and the engine flew from the bottom of the van to the back and landed on the street behind it.  How did this happen??? The cop asked me the same question.  I said "I have no idea".  I could have sworn the car was not stopped, and then it was.  I am not sure if it stopped suddenly or I just thought it did.  I wasn't distracted (at least not physically), so I honestly cannot tell you how it happened.  As soon as it happened, this pain went through my hand like you wouldn't believe.  The air bag had hit it.  And my leg was also starting to burn.  I quickly asked Lucy "Are you ok?"  She took off her headphones (she was watching a movie), and said "What was that? What happened". She was still snug in her car seat and seat belt and hadn't moved an inch.  Matter of fact, entire inside of the van was ok.  Nothing was really moved except the windshield was shattered and both airbags had gone off.  A gentleman who happened to be a fireman was in the area and quickly asked me if I was ok. I was in shock.  I had no idea what happened, I asked that he check on Lucy.  Lucy was in near tears when she saw me crying.  I said "are you hurt?" She said "no, I'm scared because you are crying". So I tried to stop quickly, and I found my phone in my purse and called Zach to tell him to come get us. Mind you...we were a mile from home.  Not even I bet.  He got there quickly and Lucy was smiling when she saw him.  I asked if the other driver was ok and wanted to get out of the van, but they wouldn't let me.  Finally, Zach got Lucy out and the ambulance worker moved me to the ambulance to check my injuries. I refused to go to the hospital. I could walk and was just a little shaken.  I had gotten a pretty good bruise from my leg hitting the steering wheel and my hand is swollen (probably a hairline fracture but there isn't anything they can do for that).  So what a crappy day.  Zach was awesome.  He said "Gee hon I didn't need this big of a birthday present".
So, the accident was my fault (it is always the persons fault who does the rear ending), so I got a ticket.  My first ticket in 18 years.  And after we did all of our insurance stuff and statements to police, we went home.  I cried and cried and cried.  I tried to replay the scene and figure out what happened.  What distracted me? I still don't know.  I wonder if the stress just overtook me from the appointment.
That night we still celebrated Zach's birthday. I mean so we have a totaled van, but Lucy and I walked out of it with me having a couple of bruises.  So that was also something to celebrate. So around bed time, Lucy started feeling warm :(  So we took her temp and dammit!  It was 100.4.  That is our cut off for going inpatient. So we called our onc who was on call, and he suggested we retake it in an hour and push fluids. She had just come off dex, and it isn't uncommon for her to run low grade fevers after it.  Plus there are so many sick people in the hospital, it was best we stay home since her counts were at least high.  So we rechecked in an hour and it had gone down to 100.1.  So, we went to bed, and set an alarm for every hour and checked it.  By 3 am, it was finally normal.
Whew!  What a long long day.  So that is how Zach got to spend his 31 birthday.  We are waiting on the collision place to tell us how much damage and if its a total loss.  So far they were at $12,000 damage and the claims adjuster wanted to see if it was worth fixing or totalling out.  That is where we are at today.  Lucy has to get her liver rechecked today, I have to get xrays, and we have to figure out a rental car.  Awesome right?? I am thankful we are ok.  That is what matters. We bought the Memphis Belle to get us to St Jude and back safely, and it did its job.  It kept us safe.
I have posted some pics....Let's hope that our plate starts to become less full, and that we learn to adjust to the new stressors introduced back into our life, and that Lucy's body starts to mend from the poison we put in it daily.