Life as a SAHWCM

SAHWCM= stay at home working cancer mom.
Man I have started so many blog posts, and keep getting interrupted to finish them. So I decided to get up early and have my coffee and my blog as my weekly therapy. I need to get back into the routine because 1. It really helps me deal with things better 2. I don't want this blog to just be about the bad things that happen or dex weeks (which seem to be when I post the most probably because I need the most therapy then)
We have had a couple of busy and rough weeks. Besides jacks bday party, I had surgery, and Lucy had duh low counts that she lost nearly 50% of her hair again. I'm told this can happen. They don't know why, there are theories, but no known answer. My theory is when the kids have low counts, the chemo that attacks fast attacking cells has no other cells to attack but the healthy fast acting ones such as hair. Am I a doctor? No. But do I see this happening when Lucy's counts go low? Yep! And so do some of my other onco moms. And it's not about the hair. I want to get that out there. I know she's beautiful regardless. It's about what it represents. It is an outward reminder that she is sick and has cancer. And for me, it was a very traumatic event. I'm not sure if it brought back flashbacks from when she was first sick and I was associating that event with hair loss or what. I was talking one of to Lucy's doctors at our affiliate, Dr. Al, whom I love and trust. And he said "you had this traumatic event and intense frontline treatment, and now that it's over, you took all of that and the memories and put them in a box on a shelf, not forgotten, but wrapped up because that part of your journey is over, and now you have a trigger that has opened that box, so all of those emotions came flooding out when the box opened" he's a genius. That is exactly what happened, and it not only triggered memories and emotions, but it triggered some major anxiety regarding going back to work in the office. It reminded me cancer is still knocking on our door. People say "oh, you're not done with treatment? Or this is the easy part" none of this is easy. And yes, Lucy is in remission, yes, we are done with a lot of the intense treatments, but we still have a year to go and things still change on a weekly basis. I'm so nervous about leaving her and going back to the office party time. I plan on going back part time in October and full time in January. And I was so blessed to have my employer give me this time to work from home, but it hasn't been easy. It's not that I'm a telecommuter and stay home mom. I'm a telecommuter, stay at home mom with a kid with cancer and another child who is on summer break so requires equal attention 24-7. When jack was in school, it was a little bit easier. Only because we had 8 hrs and tag teamed everything. But anybody with more than one child (healthy even) knows that 2 kids may as well be 20! Ha! And it's not like I had the mornings to be a SAHM, and evenings to do my work, it is all shoved into pockets and hours here and there. It's multi-tasking every minute and no separation. So while going back to the office part time will help with that, I still have to deal with working while at home, taking care of Lucy, taking her to her appointments, and then dealing with separation anxiety, as well as the kids extra curricular activities.
Back to the comment made my Dr Al, zach went to our psychiatrist to get his Meds refilled and was basically telling him the same thing about anxiety about leaving Lucy, and her hair falling out, etc. Our doc said "what you are telling me is the exact same thing soldiers tell me when they come home from war. You guys were not out killing others or protecting your own life, but you have been in a war zone with cancer and protecting your daughters life. Which can almost be worse" zach said "we deal with nothing like they do". And our doc said "that's where you are wrong. You deal with the same
Emotions. Life isn't simple anymore. You don't just worry about the mundane things and you have a different perspective on life, like many soldiers do. You are now expected to take those emotions and go back to "normal" when there is no normal for you anymore. Things that used to consume your day such as meetings, co workers, etc are no longer of significance. Cancer, chemo, treatments, constantly worrying an checking on Lucy, and experiencing the loss of many children have changed your view." and it's so
Interesting that he said that because two new studies just came out regarding parents of children with cancer and PTSD. It has been approved as an official diagnosis. While I would never compare our lives to those fighting for our freedom as being the exact same, it's still the same process. Different circumstances, but same outcome. I imagine this is true of anybody with an ill child, not just cancer, or to those who lost a child, but the study was specifically on cancer parents. Interesting. And scary.
So what's the difference between a stay at home mom or a working mom and a stay at home cancer mom?
1 planning. Maybe it gets interrupted once in a while, but I found my life before as a working mom was filled with planning, and for the most part, I was able to plan. I can't do that now very effectively.
2. You could separate your home/work life as a working mom. Most of the time, even during busy peaks and long hours, I still made a commitment to leaving work at work. I had JUST managed the work/life balance before Lucy got sick.
3. SAHM never get a vacation. They are on 24/7. Same with me only I have to add to other jobs into the mix. Cancer and the office. So that makes me on 24/7/365. So after the kids go to bed is often time to work or before they get up in the morning.
4. As a cancer mom, I constantly worry about relapse, reactions, fevers, chemo, hair loss, and am in a world where a child I know dies almost every day.
So I don't want you to get the wrong impression that I'm "whining" because I have a job and get to be home with my kids. I'm venting. Because I have no other way to let this out. And keeping it in only makes me less productive. I'm grateful to have a job when many don't, I'm grateful to have two children who are living, even if one is constantly battling, when some have lost their child or others aren't able to have children. And I am grateful to
Have had this time with them at home when many parent would love that option. And out of all my titles I would say stay at home is probably my weakest link. My house is a mess, laundry is piled up, I have a stack of mail to sort and bills to pay. And our front yard looks like hillbillies live here (which maybe they do). But all in all, I would say that is the most constant and consistent thing in this journey. I wasn't ever good at the "home making" piece even when I was JUST a stat at home mom, or JUST a working mom, or JUST a cancer mom. So in this world of chaos, it's good to have one thing remain the same ;)
Hats off to you mamas who are awesome home makers, working opt not!! That is a job I don't care to ever master! ;)