Happy Belated Remission Anniversary!!

Most times, we go along just fine living our life as normal as we can.  Oh, yes, it has changed, and when I say normal, its a new normal.  But today, I got hit upside the head with reality and am having a really bad day.  I'm not sure if its because Lucy is coming off of dex and this last pulse was a lot more harsh than before.  Or if its the cabin fever that we are all starting to feel being cooped up together in this house.  or yet another factor could be that there is a methotrexate shortage in this country and leukemia patients NEED this drug to stay in remission and drug companies decided it was no longer profitable so they stopped producing the drug.  Or its probably a host of all things combined, but today, more than any other day, I really really hate cancer. I hate when I let it get me down.  We have come so far, yet sometimes I feel like we are still in square one.  Today is one of those (what Oprah would call) ugly cry days.  I'm mad and sad all at once. Lucy's remission anniversary was February 11th and I didn't even have time to remember or celebrate that milestone because daddy and I were tag teaming one of the worst dex meltdowns to date.  And I REALLY wanted to celebrate that day.  Instead, I forgot all about it.  I remember the day she was diagnosed and had anxiety up to a week before that day and couldn't get it out of my head, but I forget our remission anniversary.  Why does that make me so sad? Because I feel like I gave another day to the stupid cancer. It could be that today was valentine's day and all my friends were posting how excited their children were to exchange valentines and have parties, and Lucy didn't get to experience that.  And oh how she wanted to.  All she talked about was going to her babysitter's Lisa's and making valentines for her friends.  That is so sad.  It makes me angry.  I still do the whole "why us" sometimes. I really try to avoid it knowing nothing good comes from it, but its hard sometimes to look at her and not think "why?  why her?"  She was talking the other day how she can't wait to have her long beautiful hair back and how she loved my long hair.  It made me want to chop it all off.  And I still do.  I told her she has such a beautiful face that the hair was just a bonus. She also remembers when a kid on Jack's bus made fun of her last year.  She came up to me and said "mom, why would that girl say I was ugly? she was pretty wrong about that, huh?  I'm beautiful, right?" and I know its just some young kid who doesn't understand, but it really ignites a fire in my belly.  That should be a sign of going insane, right? Wanting to put a hurting on an elementary kid!  ha!
Now that I'm all stuffy from bawling and my eyes are swollen, I'm not exactly sure if I feel any better or if that accomplished anything.  Sometimes women just need a good cry. Remember the episode of Everybody Loves Raymond when she tries to explain that to Ray.  Well, I believe in that theory whole heartily, I just hate that I have a reason to have a good cry.  When I look into the eyes and face of my beautiful little girl, I get so angry.  It has calmed a bit, but its still there.  And today it reared its ugly head.
So, anyhow...Happy late Remission anniversary to Lucy and Dr. Pui for making it possible.  I want to make sure I NEVER EVER forget this day again!!!  Dex or no dex, methotrexate shortages, and horrible Illinois weather in February will never get in my way of forgetting that day.  We will celebrate..just a few days late.  But balloons and chocolate cake it is!