funeral etiquette

I had a friend whose husband died Sunday suddenly.  It was totally unexpected and his visitation was last night.  I had a huge amount of anxiety as I walked into the funeral home.  Wasn't sure why, but definitely couldn't breathe and was sweating profusely.  The man was well known around town and worked at State Farm for 40 years, so there were a lot of people who were paying their respects.  I went alone, and since the line was so long, I was trying to keep myself from passing out by "people" watching.  It really is quite amazing if you have ever stood back and listened to some of the conversations going on in that receiving line.  First thing I was doing, was thinking "what do I say".  I am horrible at these.  Saying "I'm sorry for your loss", just doesn't seem to cut it or isn't quite personal.  So instead of stressing over that part.  I did more listening.  You hear people talking about John and how horrible and tragic his loss was.  And they whisper.  As if everybody there doesn't know that he has died and it was unexpected.  And then you hear them whisper about his wife, which is my friend, and how they wonder how she will go on, and what she will do.  See this couple was going to retire at the end of the year together and start their retirement and travel together for the rest of their lives.  They were so close.  When I hear them whisper I know they are saying this out loud, but inside they are thinking "thank goodness this wasn't me, or my wife, or my family, etc".  I know this because I was thinking the same thing.  It's like when Lucy got cancer.  I know the whispers were about how horrible this was and how people can't believe it happened to somebody they know.  And I'm sure there were whispers about how and why this happened to Lucy.  Like speculations as to what we did as parents to cause it, etc etc.  Its not a bad thing.  It's human.  I wonder why people whisper about it though?  And what exactly is the etiquette when you are in a receiving line at a visitation?  What SHOULD you talk about?  Is it wrong to talk and laugh and be happy?  Should you solemnly stand there if you are alone and not make small talk with the folks you are standing with.  I was in line for an hour, mind you.  And then what about when you finally get up to the family?  I didn't know all the family.  I just knew his wife and step daughter.  So here I am again at a loss for words.  As I'm introducing myself to his other children, I don't know what to say.  Sorry for your loss?  Seems so impersonal?  Loss is an understatement.  I'm not good at these at all.  Then when I got to my friend and her daughter, I found the right words.  I hugged them both and gave them both kisses and told them how beautiful they were and that this situation just sucked, period.  I told her I have no words, so I just hugged her.  She said "you know, you are right...this does suck, its horrible".  Its like that was the right thing to say.  Because as I have found with our situation with Lucy sometimes people just don't know what to say.  And I've said it before, its ok to tell me that this situation sucks because it does.  And it's totally ok to think "I'm so glad this isn't my child", because quite frankly, I'm glad its nobody else's child either.  I wouldn't wish this experience on my enemies.  And I stood there hugging her, I was thankful it wasn't my me and my husband lying in that casket, and she was thankful too.  She told me to spend every last day with my husband as if it was the last.  And you know, she's right.  Not just with your husband, but with your children too.  Look what happened to us over night.  Things are going well, but in a moments notice things could turn sour.  Hell, I could walk out and check the mail and get hit by a truck.  You never know when its your time.  So hows come we don't all live for today?  I know that is one thing Zach and I have been talking about more lately.  We want to plan and be sure we are prepared for the future, but we also want to start living everyday like it could be our last with each other and with our children.  If today was your last day to live, what would you do?  Would you dwell on the fact that you are no longer going to be around?  or would you spend every second to make it count?
 Look at Steve Mazan, told he had 5 years to live and what does he do?  He works his ass off to try to make his dream come true. I see this with Lucy too.  She's sick, there is no doubt about it, but she is so happy.  She lives everyday and does what she wants to do. She laughs a lot.  She was swinging this morning and yelling "this is the best day ever".  And I was thinking "yes, little one, today is the best day ever for you and I".  And then I thought of my friend.  Today is NOT the best day ever for her.  The days, weeks, months ahead will not be the best days for her either.  I wish her nothing but peace and I hope she goes on to live her life to the fullest every day as her husband would want her to.