Seems like I just posted, and it was an entire week ago! Boy how time seems to go by fast in this household, yet stand still at the same time. We are constantly meeting lucys demands, keeping up with housework and laundry (that would be Zach, not me), doing work from home, taking jack everywhere he needs to be, and of course our clinic days in Peoria every week. So with all that, and all of the things that have to move an inch from our to do list we have, this week has flown by, heck we've been in treatment for 6 months now and when I hear that or say that outloud, it seems as if it was only yesterday we got that heart stopping news that Lucy had leukemia. I remember that day so well. I still cry when I think about it. And yet when we look towards the future or look at some of the things Lucy is missing out on and cannot do, time stands still. She was playing so nicely by herself on Monday and for most of the day, Zach and I were both on our work laptops at the same time and being productive, yet we felt guilty for not sitting down there and playing with her. Life gets to be so overwhelming sometimes that it's easy to forget the simple things, like a tea party with your daughter, and yet those moments where you either get time to yourself or can actually finish a project are rare and coveted as well. We feel pulled in all different directions, and of course guilt consumes us. Not guilt because we feel it's our fault Lucy got cancer, guilt because we aren't playing with her enough, guilt because we do our work peace meal style, guilt because of what this is doing to jack, and guilt because we want a vacation from it all so badly. We figured it up and we have been doing this for 6 months now, and we have 107 weeks to go. Everybody told us we would get in thengroove and start living a new normal, and it's true, we are definitely living a new something. Not normal. There will always be a little bit of fear that lives in us everyday for the rest of our lies that her cancer could come back fast and furious, there is that small percentage that jack could get it, siblings have a small
Chance. Then guilt and a sense of relief always passes through us. Guilt when we hear another hold has passed away from cancer, but a sense of relief that it's not our Lucy, then guilt again for feeling that way! It's a horrible cycle!
Now its not always guilt, self loathings, pity that consumes us, I mean come on, we are still
The webers! We Are also trying to fill our days with laughter and trying to be a couple more by having more date nights. We are still normal in the sense that our children fight like normal siblings, test our boundaries, and drive us crazy. We are still the webers that let our kids swim in the kiddie pool in the backyard in their underwear. We are still the webers that maintain a Facebook page for our dog! And most importantly, we are still the webers that like to have fun, be silly, and act like we are all children from time to time. That part hasn't changed, it was just hidden for awhile, so it's nice to see it coming back around.
The hardest part about our new normal, as it's dubbed, is there are no longer weekends. And I don't mean Saturday and Sunday's, I mean there aren't days that are a slower pace like before. And that's hard to adjust to. When I see people post on Facebook "yea! Its Friday", I realize I miss that feeling. Know what else I miss, time in my home alone!! I miss being able to send Lucy and jack somewhere for the night. She really can't stay in any other places because everybody we know and trust to watch her have cats. She can't be around cats. And I know it sounds silly to want a quiet house, but really I want to be able to wake up the next day and enjoy my coffee on the porch and not have to meet anybody's demands but my own! I know or at least hope by fall, we will be back into the swing of things. Hopefully, I can return to work in the office instead of at home, jack will be back at school, and all of Lucy's hard hitting chemo sessions will be done. So while I know I want that time to get here fast, I want to always remember why's important and for it to stand still from time to time so I can have a tea party with my best girl.
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