But what about that fateful day? Well, to be honest, I didn't know when we would learn the truth about Lucy's leukemia, but I had a hunch. A mother's intuition.
About a month prior to diagnosis, I had a horrible dream. I had a dream that Lucy had cancer. I was crying when I woke up, and I felt so ashamed that I had such a horrible dream about my little girl. And I didn't want to tell anybody or say it out loud because I felt that would make it true. And I wanted to know WHY I had that dream. Well, I know now why I had it. I had some sneaking suspicions something was wrong with Lucy for some time prior to me taking her to the ER. She was bruising "weird". It made me uncomfortable. And that was it, but it was enough that it sent my subconscious mind into a frenzy, and my maternal instincts kicked in hard. I have been ashamed to admit that I had that dream. I know it sounds odd, but I felt in a sense, that it was my fault that she got cancer. In reality, it was my mind, body, and soul preparing me for something that was to come...my worst nightmare.
It was Christmas Eve, and the weather was starting to get horrible. The snow was blowing and we had family to visit. The holidays are always a hectic time for us as we both are products of divorced parents, so that equals more than the traditional family gatherings ;)
We loaded up the kids in the car along with gifts and food we were taking to gatherings and headed out. First stop was my mom's. The kids had a blast opening their gifts from grandma, as she always knows EXACTLY the right gift to get for them, and its never over the top. She has a knack for picking out one gift that is perfect. And then the kids ate a bunch of candy. We then headed to my dad's, and I remember Lucy threw up on the way out there (he lives about 20 minutes away). We were certain it was from eating so much candy all day. That girl cannot turn down a piece of chocolate. Of course, the one thing we didn't load up was extra clothes, so when we got to my dads, we changed her into one of his shirts, and proceeded with our holiday gathering. She was extra cuddly that day, my sister remembers how she just let people hold her, which is not normal for her. After we were done with gifts, we headed home in the horrible weather. We were so thankful to get home and get the kids in their pj's. Lucy had a bath and I noticed that the spots that were on her face were getting worse. I had noticed them a couple of days before. Zach had reminded me that we changed our shampoo and she could have an allergic reaction to it. I told him that I thought that they were getting worse despite not using the shampoo and that I was taking her to the doctor after the holiday was over. He told me if it made me feel better, then he was all for it. He was accustom to me being worried and rushing kids to the doctors for every little thing, but this time, my gut was telling me something that my mind refused to believe. So we tucked the kids in that night with sugar plums dancing in their head. They were both excited for Santa, but Zach and I still had work to do. We had to put together Lucy's kitchen and some legos, and headed to bed. Jack, our early riser, was up probably around 4 am! LOL We let Lucy sleep in a bit. She had always been our 12 hour a night sleeper since she was 4 mo old, so it wasn't unusual, although Zach will remember later that she was getting harder and harder to wake up. So the kids opened all their gifts and then were playing with them like mad. Lucy had gotten some dress up shoes, which she loved! you know the cheap plastic kind? We have wood floors, and she fell hard and hit her head. She didn't have a bump or anything so we nursed her and she was up and playing in a couple of minutes. We took a nap that day, and I cooked a ham. We ate dinner and all was well. Around bed time, she was becoming increasingly irritable and she was throwing up again. Again...we thought it was because she ate too much candy that day or in fact maybe she actually had the flu. No fever, so we were leaning towards the candy theory. I told Zach that the next day, I wanted to go ahead and take her to the walk in clinic to get the spots checked out. Zach and Jack both get spots on their body when they get strep throat. Normally, they don't have many other symptoms, so I was sure she had strep throat (again my mind telling me that was all it was). So we got up the next day and got dressed and Lucy and I headed to the clinic. By this time, I noticed the spots had spread to her eyelids. We had his mother's xmas later in the afternoon, so the plan was for me to take her to the doctor while Zach cooked the turkey we had so we could eat on it all week, and then we would come home take a nap, and head out to his mom's.
The walk in clinic was pretty dead considering it was the day after xmas, so we got right in and out. The doctor looked at the spots and said it looked like broken capillaries on her face. She had asked if she had thrown up lately, and I said yes. She thought that maybe the spots were from that or that it was just a virus, but the lab wasn't open until Wednesday so we could come back at that time to get labs drawn if she wasn't better. On the way out, I had the most uneasy feeling, I still remember it to this day even though I cannot put into words what it was. I called Zach and told him all about what the doctor said. I said "you know, if its broken capillaries, that doesn't sound so good." Then we remembered her fall and her throwing up, and we thought maybe it was a concussion. We didn't even think of it the previous day because it was so long after she fell when she threw up. I told Zach I would be more comfortable not waiting til Wednesday and told him I wanted to take her to the ER. He agreed. When Zach agrees to take a kid to the ER, you know I'm not just a crazy worried mom. We decided to all go as a family. So I went home, we packed a bag each for the kids with some of their Christmas gifts and headed to the ER for a post Christmas celebration.
We were seen fairly quick at the ER, regardless of the fact that there were quite a few people in there. They didn't think she looked so good and wanted to get her blood work done ASAP. We were fine with that as we thought "ok, we can do this, go home, take a nap, and then head out to his mom's". They had to take blood, which we were worried about as she had never had that done before, but they had this numbing cream for her skin and she did fabulous. She didn't even cry. Here were all 4 of us in this tiny ER room, and we were trying to keep the kids busy, Lucy was getting irritable, and we were all tired. I remember exactly what happened the moment the doctor came in. Zach and Jack were coloring in the chairs, and Lucy and I were sitting on the bed. The doctor said "So, the blood work came back, and we are going to need to send you to St. Francis in Peoria right away". I looked at Zach and he literally dropped all the stuff in his hands and said "What did you just say?". I started crying immediately, and Jack said "what's wrong mommy?". The doctor said that her platelets were severely low, only at 2000, and she needed a transfusion. I am so glad that we had no clue what that really meant at that time, it wasn't until we got to Memphis days later we learned how critical that really was. He also said they were the best with kids and felt she needed to go there right away. He wasn't sure if they would flight her there or use ambulance. He said that it all depended on what was available. I looked at Zach and whispered "I looked this up online and it could be leukemia". And I cried. The doctor left the room to make the transportation arrangements, Zach immediately got on the phone and called his mom to come pick up Jack and the chaos began. Jack kept asking why I was crying and what was wrong. I didn't know what to say to him. I told him I was just worried about Lucy. We texted and called our family to let them know all that was going on while we waited for the ambulance to gear up to take her. It was decided I would ride with her to Peoria in the ambulance, Zach would go home and collect a bag. They told us we would be there a day or two, and Zach's mom came and picked up Jack.
It seemed like it took forever for that ambulance to be ready. We loaded Lucy up in her car seat and then they put her on a gurney. I kissed Jack goodbye and told Zach to hurry. And off we went. She thought being in the ambulance was pretty cool, and never cried at all. Matter of fact, she didn't cry until we were on our way to Memphis the next day...but that's later in the story. She finally fell asleep on the way to Peoria, and I texted my friends and family and posted on Facebook that we could use all the positive thoughts we could get. I was in shock, scared, and I knew.....Later, months later in fact, Jack would tell the therapist that the day haunts him. He said he remembers saying goodbye to his mom, who was crying and he didn't know why, and seeing Lucy being whisked away in an ambulance, and then he didn't see us for weeks. I didnt' realize how much that moment had an impact on him. And when I think of what he must have been thinking and feeling, I feel heartbroken for him.
Then we got to Peoria........
HUGS!!!!! & MANY Prayers!!! :)
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