Yesterday's Random Act

Have you ever watched the episode of "Friends" where Phoebe is trying to do a selfless good deed?  She is challenged in trying to find something nice she can do for someone else without benefiting from it?  Well, I know exactly how she feels!  Yesterday we drove out to visit "big" grandma while Zach got a haircut, and on the way back into town decided to eat out since it was so late.  We drove to a couple of places the kids asked for and there were lines out the door waiting, we thought forget this.  So we finally landed on pizza, and low and behold, we drove to Monicals and it was PERFECT!  No waiting at all (if you have small children you understand the importance of this).  So anyhow, our waitress was asking Lucy all about her boots.  She has these Princess boots that she HAD to have and they light up.  They cowboy/winter boots and she insists on wearing them all the time with whatever outfit she has on.  Yesterday her outfit just happened to be an adult sized Beatles shirt that she wore as a dress ;)  Anyhow, the waitress who looked to be about to deliver (she was pregnant) was running around waiting on pretty much every table, and when she got to ours she stopped to ask Lucy all about her boots. She said she had another child who is having a birthday and that she would LOVE those.  So we ate our dinner, and as we were leaving, I decided that would be the PERFECT random act of kindness.  So I left a tip that was enough to cover the majority of the cost of the boots with a note that said This was in honor of my daughter Lucy who has cancer, and all I ask in return is to spread awareness about childhood cancer.  

I get home and wrote down my random act of kindness on Team Lucy FB page, and I have to say, I felt extremely GUILTY!! Not for doing the act, but for telling all about it.  I didn't want praise or to "show boat" what I did, but I wanted Lucy's followers to know that I am following the challenge I set forth.  And then I felt really good about what I had done.  I was proud of myself for giving our entertainment money for another person who really looked like they could use it more than us.  Now we have a very strict budget, obviously due to our situation, so I do the Dave Ramsey system where we have envelopes filled with cash every paycheck allotted for different things..one of them being entertainment.  Anyhow, I felt like that was money well spent and I would prefer to rent a redbox for a $1 than go see a movie at a theatre for that cause.  So this random act of kindness that was suppose to be a selfless act actually made my day!!  So I think Phoebe was right, there is NOT one act of kindness that you can do that isn't self fulling or rewarding.  Matter of fact, it made me feel so good, I started to make a list of all the things I wanted to do for the rest of the month.  Now, not all of it will involved money, it can't, we don't have that much to spread around, I wish we did.  But I am so excited!!  I would prefer the majority of the rest of my acts of kindness to remain anonymous, I'll see how that works.  and I want to be creative (see here I am over thinking things again as always) and really make a difference, even just a small difference.  Then that got me thinking...that is exactly what I am dying to do.  

Remember the buttons that Steve Mazan passes out at his shows that I mentioned.  They basically are your dreams and they say "I'm dying to"....and you fill in the blank.  and mine was "I'm dying to figure out what I'm dying to do".  Well I figured out what I am dying to do ;)  And the overall picture is a pretty big one.  I dying to make a difference one day and one act at a time.  and that can be pretty overwhelming, but as I chop it into little pieces I find it to be exciting and manageable.  I have never been a conformed individual.  I have always fought authority and status quo.  That would be considered to be a bad thing, or a unique thing.  I have consistently received lectures and constructive criticism on how if I could just change this "one"thing about myself it could help further my career. I have also been coached on how I want to "brand" myself.  How do I want others to see me?  And it occurred to me during all of this going on with Lucy, I don't care how others see me.  I want to live my life just as I am. I don't want to conform, and the reason I am struggling at succeeding in this world is because it is not a natural talent of mine.  And what is even more ironic, is that signs have been all around me about this lately, and it just took me time to focus and recognize them to realize that my dream is and has been staring me in the face my whole life.  I have fought it. And I have decided I don't want to fight it anymore.  So the "signs" that have come to me lately have been movies such as documentaries regarding chasing your dream (Dying to Do Letterman), one about suburbia and how we live in cubes and have been disconnected from reality and people by forming an infrastructure that allows for solidarity.  I also watched one regarding the food we eat in "King Corn" and how commercial entities have controlled our entire food supply along with politics, of course.  Can't forget politics.  I don't want to be a part of that.  I know I'm just one person, but that would be one less person buying into this "american dream" that has gotten us so out of touch with our fellow human beings.  Plus politics and commercial entities run everything in our lives.  Including the treatment my daughter receives for a life threatening disease.  And money, we cannot forget money. Money has haunted me for a very long time.  I grew up with not enough of it, then when I got a little bit of it, I spent it before I could get it, then as I tried to clean up that mess (thanks to Dave Ramsey), I started to realize what was important, but I wasn't quite there yet.  It took my daughter getting cancer to realize that it doesn't really matter.  And as long as we have enough to sustain our livability, I am content.  We don't need the fancy things or name brand stuff.  I am happy with quality.  I do not want to work 60 hours a week to earn that money, its not worth it.  I would prefer to work less hours, make less money, be less stressed out, and focus on the things that matter. I don't laugh as much when I work that hard and can't even really enjoy the money I earn because of this.  And the irony in that....I worked my entire 20's to get where I am in my career and I'm not happy with it.  I thought I would be, and at first I was, but as time went on, I realized I may have made a mistake.  I want to make a difference, period.  And I have come to terms that sometimes that means making less money.  It took me a long time to come to that realization, better yet to accept it.  Now, I need to put that plan into action.  Of course, I'm not reckless. I'm not going to quit my job and become a part of a commune ;)  I understand that my family's security is number one in priority, I just need to gradually help make that security in a different way that makes me feel more fulfilled.  I want to be part of a solution.  I know, I know...what big dreams I have!  LOL  I've always been seen as having big dreams that may seem unrealistic, but now I'm wondering who are they unrealistic to?  If its want I want, then I should do my best to fulfill them, right?  So....this month, I work on crafting that.  I start small.  I try to make as many people aware of childhood cancer while performing kind acts.  Next month, I move on to the next step.  And I have a great idea!  (not to be revealed until next month so I don't overwhelm myself and give up).  And slowly within time, and after we have Lucy all better and the family secure, Zach and I decide to make our dreams come true.  We already know what that is.....just have to have patience, perseverance, and a little bit of good karma on our side.  Whew!  I did NOT expect that to be this long...sorry about that. I just had to write down all of the things in my BIG dreamer mind down on paper.  Now it makes it a commitment.  And a commitment will help turn it into a reality.  Who would have thought one random act of kindness which was suppose to benefit another, actually benefited me more than I could have guessed....Phoebe's theory from friends was definitely proven wrong!