It's hard fitting in random acts of kindness!!

Ok, I must confess...I skipped out a couple of days on my random acts.  I just simply could not find the time.  And I know that sounds like lousy excuse, but think about it....its probably why more of us don't do random acts of kindness...we don't have time because we are consumed all day long with what WE are doing. And its hard to think of "nice" things to do. I know that may sound odd to people, but I challenge you to think of 30 different things.  I think I over think things, and I really wanted to do things that reached the most amount of people and had the biggest impact.  I think I should re-think that approach as, sometimes just reaching one person is all that is needed.  Anyhow, After I got everything that needed to be done for me, my family, Lucy, work, etc..I was spent...and quite frankly, I didn't even get everything done that needed to be done.  Lately, its seems as if I can go go go go all day long and look around and its seems as if nothing got done.  And Lucy and I are spending so much time together that I think we are starting to butt heads and that can be stressful.  I love her with all my heart, but we are almost clones..so its like fighting with myself all day! LOL  And she has become quite dependent and attached to me more so than ever.  I love the time I get with her right now, but by time I'm done taking care of her..I'm exhausted!  And I keep adding to my to do list, but never removing items..that can be quite frustrating and daunting at the same time.  It's very intimidating and overwhelming.  When I do get that down time to myself (when the kids are in bed), I feel guilty for just sitting there and relaxing because so much needs to be done in this house. I feel like all I do all day is cook and clean up after each meal.  Since we can't have left overs, every meal has to be fresh.  And we are tired of frozen pizza's etc, plus now I have a sensitivity to gluten, so its hard to find easy foods that are gluten free...so I'm cooking a lot more.  and I do love cooking, but HATE cleaning up :)  lol  don't we all?
Anyhow, back to my original thought...I do tend to go off subject easily.  I guess that's because that is how I've been living my life lately.  I have 3-4 projects or items going on at the same time. I never get to sit down and finish a thought, let alone a project.  So since I didn't get to do my Random act of kindness everyday, I've been doubling up even do 3-4 things in one day to make up for it.  I WILL do 30 things or reach 30 different people by the end of the month.  I have dropped chocolates off at the community cancer center for the staff and volunteers, I have bought a scentsy bear to help RMH (all proceeds go to them), I then took that bear and had it shipped straight to RMH in Memphis and told the manager to give the bear to the next person that walks in the door.  We bought a DVD player for our local affiliate.  I handed out itunes gift cards to people with a note attached with Lucy's picture.  I sent some letters to people who I felt really needed a "cheer" up.  And I still have 16 days to do some more!!  I have big ideas on how to reach more people with one act, now just to find time!
Plus I have my "BIG IDEA" that I mentioned a few posts ago that I need to get started on.  I have decided I'm going to go ahead and write a book. I did tons of research on books out there about childhood leukemia and there aren't very many that "tell it like it is".  There are facts, books that therapists wrote, books that families have written about their child's journey (and they are all about those kids who lost their journey).  None from parents that really tell it like it is. And I have several ideas for how to write it, so I need to sit down and start toying with it.  I already have a alot of good material, just need to organize my thoughts and figure out HOW I want to deliver it.  I'm pretty excited, and I'm toying with the idea of writing a chapter at a time and posting it that way.  Like every week, a new chapter comes out..they used to do that in papers a LONG time ago.
WHEW!  Ok so that is my first half of my blog...
2nd half...
I had some pretty interesting revelations lately that I would like to share.  I started seeing a new therapist.  Yes, I've been through 4!  LOL I can't seem to find the one that "connects" with me.  I'm a therapist jumper.  hehehe  Anyhow, it was the typical first meeting.  Where you get to know each other etc etc. Then he asks what I would like to work on.  Hmmm...well, I don't know specifically what I want to work on.  I have lots of things I probably NEED to work on, but if I had my choice, I guess I don't know what my goals would be.  Anyhow, I was telling him my story.  All about Lucy and some other issues.  And he said something to me that nobody has said before and something that I have avoided and REFUSED to say out loud...and that is when it clicked, he might be the right guy for me, he is challenging my thought process.  He said "Death happens to you, and you, and you, and you...but death doesn't happen to me".  And at first I was appalled.  I was like "How dare you even say that word or insinuate that Lucy is going to die".  Then I teared up and said "you're right".  People tend to disassociate themselves from people that could very well die sooner rather than later.  Especially a child.  Out of sight out of mind.  People don't want to hear the truth or the facts about a child going through cancer that is considered a terminal illness for the first 3 years.  Terminal...never did I say that or want to say that about Lucy.  I felt like I would "jinx" it in a way and bring death into our house.  And the revelation came to me...death has been living at our house for the past 9 months.  It's been lurking around the corners and sitting the shadows.  Its in all our minds, but we try to force him all the way in the back and try not to let him out for the fear of it.  But you know, I am giving death way too much power by doing that.  Even the doctors at St. Jude said during the induction period, they bring the child as close to death as possible.  Its a balancing act.  In order to kill the leukemia, you must not let the body have a lot of "life".  Lucy has been on the brink for a long time, and is now coming slowly out of that.  But...she still sits there..close. they don't want her to be "healthy".  Leukemia cells LOVE healthy kids.  So here it is..its now out in the open.  I am scared to death (no pun intended) of my child dying.  And I have tried to skirt issue by saying "well, anybody can die any day. And that we could get hit by a bus or be in a car accident, etc etc..."  The truth is, while those things are true, they are a way of being copping out and not dealing with the fact that Lucy has a disease that can kill her.  And that I need to do a better job of acknowledging that fear, and understanding that it is very real, but that is all it is...a fear.  She happens to be in remission, she is doing very well, and things are going to start becoming "normal" again.  Period.  Now to say that I have let that little thought entertain my mind, doesn't mean that I have fully embraced it yet...I'll work on that in therapy.  But its a pretty big step.  I also joined a group called A.L.L moms.  And I was having a hard time with that. There are a lot of kids who aren't from St. Jude on that site and there are alot of relapses.  I was driving myself nuts with that notion, and fear was overcoming me once again.  I talked to another St. Jude mom and she said "well then leave the group, woman!"  How simple yet how enlightening.  here I'm punishing myself by comparing my child with children who aren't on the same protocol, who aren't the exact same diagnosis or genealogical make up as Lucy's cancer. Here again, I was giving fear too much power. I talked to Lucy's doctor in clinic about it yesterday.  She was very reassuring.  She said that lucy has the BEST genotype and phenotype of leukemia.  She had low WBC for diagnosis, she reached remission early, and had very few blasts in her blood when she was diagnosed.  She said that her cure rate was 95-99% the first time around, and IF (which is a big if) she relapsed, the chances of her achieving total complete remission is still high.  See I took my fear and acknowledged it and shared it with the people that could give me the right answers.  I felt like I took control of that situation.  And now I feel better about it all together.
See, now I also feel better getting all these things out of my head and on paper!  I needed to journal for the past couple of weeks, but just couldn't find time...here we come back to the issue of time.  I guess I need to find time for just me, even if its just being able to blog.