Defeated

Some days/weeks are worse than others, and today is one of those days. I feel absolutely defeated.  Lucy was on dex last week, so we expected for her counts to double, and they didn't'.  Matter of fact, they plummeted....again....they seem to have been doing so well, and now they are always dropping keeping her in a constant neutropenic state.  Which of course limits all options of doing anything.  And after the week we had, we were contemplating doing a spur of the moment family vacation this weekend, just because.  Just because we feel we need OUT of this house, out of this town, and even if for just a couple of days- pretend cancer isn't preventing us from doing things.  So that shot that idea right out the window with her ANC only being 380.
I think I'm still sad over the whole Jack thing.  I know we did the right thing, but it has definitely caused some tension in this house.  And when there is tension, we all fight.  Zach and I argue more, and the kids seem to be more on edge.  I think we need a break.  I wish we could take one. If I could, I would say "I declare this a no chemo, no cancer week"!!!  lol
I think we have some things worked out with Jack.  We had a good friend that he trusts come over and visit him today and talk.  We are going to set up a game plan for him to express his feelings to somebody other than us (because if you all remember...Sometimes, parents just don't understand). So I feel good about that now.  Better, anyhow.
sigh...I don't really have a lot of insight today.  Just felt like maybe if I wrote out the word defeated, it would get out of my brain and I could move on.  Let's hope.....