wow! It's been a long time since I blogged. We have been busy having both kids home for the holidays. Plus I have to be totally honest, I haven't been in the best of moods. Been feeling a little down, and I hate blogging during that time, I don't want to be a downer to everybody and most importantly, I don't want any negative energy in this house. We have had our fair share.
So Xmas went off without a hitch. Kids had a great time, but I have to admit, Lucy didn't have the same reaction as Jack and didn't seem to be as amazed with the gifts on xmas day. She has been getting so many gifts over the past year, and her birthday was a week before xmas, so I think the novelty has worn off a bit. Its not that she doesn't appreciate things, but its like when you candy everyday, pretty soon candy isn't so special and as enjoyable. So Zach and I did decide, no more gifts or packages. We will hold them and give them more spread out if they come. The other thing different this year is the fact that our family gatherings were dependent upon Lucy's counts. Which were not good. Vincristine seems to really take a lot out of her. They are still low and she is neutropenic still today. Last week we didn't do chemo all week, this week is only 1/2 dose, and then a recheck at the end of the week. We are supposed to be going to Memphis for a spinal next week, but I don't see that happening if her numbers don't raise. And looking at her other numbers (monocytes), I don't see that happening. Plus not going anywhere is giving her and all of us cabin fever. With her having no immune system, we are trying to limit how much we go out and where we go. We have been lucky that Jack is on xmas break, but that ends Thursday.
This New Years was MUCH better than last year. Last year we sat in a tiny room at St. Jude, having only been aware of Lucy's cancer for less than 7 days, so we were still in shock. She was running a fever, which is common for kids on chemo in the beginning, so we couldn't join in the party down stairs. So I remember going around and collecting all the balloons I could find in the hospital and bringing them up to the room. I may have already told this story, sorry if its a repeat. Its ones of those memories that seems to be burned into my mind. I can still see her precious little face and remember the smell of the room. This year we had some friends over and we played some games and let the kids stay up til 11 to watch the ball drop. It was fun, and nice.
This year, we have decided WILL be better than last. Our life is still a bit different (to say the least lol), but we are going to try to make the best out of it. So far that theory is being tested well. With Lucy's counts not wanting to rise, and the roller coaster of being on/off chemo, it sure is testing us to be positive :)
As for New year's Resolutions, there are none in this house! I have goals, but I decided success looked much better when you achieve a goal and not fail at a resolution. Resolve to change isn't so easy. Change comes in 5 stages, so for people to think they can make a resolution and change it on the first day of the year, is a bit ridiculous, actually. Then when people fail at change, they tend have a negative attitude about the change they seek. I prefer to be goal orientated. And I intend on reaching those goals one baby step at time. It may take me longer than a year, but I will try my best. Zach and I had a conversation about the new year and how everything seems to remind us of last year as milestones occur. Its like we actually have the diagnosis more on our minds than we did on our cancerversary day. We find ourselves looking at pictures and reading our journal from this time last year. What a difference a year has made, and I wouldn't have believed you if you told me last year that we would be in the spot we are. I had a hard time looking towards the future, and still do at times. I try to live in the now....but I do find that I can plan a little better now than a year ago. I plan with the expectation that things will change, and oddly, I'm okay with that.
So here are some dramatic changes from last year that I would like to share with you.
1. Lucy's hair isn't falling out (thins from time to time), its growing back and is as crazy as it was when she was a baby. Its starting to get thicker and longer every day.
2. Jack and Lucy are fighting every day instead of being separated from one another
3. I don't cry anymore as much as I used to
4. Zach and I have a different connection. Its hard to explain, but I think I fell in love with him all over again but for very different reasons.
5. Taco is home and fat :)
6. Jack giggles..its a new laugh and its contagious...I love it
7. We are cold. LOL Last year we were in Memphis which is much warmer than Illinois, I dont care what the temperature is.
8. We have a specific plan for treatment, know what to expect, and are much better at learning to go with the flow
9. we have a new appreciation for our life. period.
10. I still hate cleaning, but have found that a shop vac is an awesome tool to use INSIDE the house ;)
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